Publish date 29-07-2021
Today I woke up with doubts that haunt me since the good Lord decided that my life had to find roads and destinations other than those I knew, and that more and more frequently force me not to pretend that they do not exist but even force me to immediately seek concrete and satisfactory answers. Often, however, when this happens, I feel inadequate, weak, confused, because I know very well that behind these doubts there is an attempt to understand the true meaning of our life, and I understand that it is not so easy to do.
The question that torments me is always the same: what is my true mission? I am sure that many people have the will not to remain superficial on the issues that concern their soul and their feelings, but I am equally sure that we often prefer to postpone any further study because it requires an amount of energy that we are not always willing to put in place. . I have already written several times that for me not acting in believers is a symptom not to be overlooked and, perhaps, because it hides the lack of understanding of the Christian message but, this time, I would like to add that not acting ends up making even good intentions useless. . So, with the chaos that I find every time I force myself to think more deeply, I entered the church.
Lately I do it often, in the morning before diving into the maze of work, and more and more since I accepted that I am a serial sinner, and I did it with the declared intent of wanting to seek a deep, intense dialogue, one of those you don't always manage to have with God but who, when they happen, confirm to you that you are not alone. There was no one in the church, not even the few elderly ladies with whom I share the religious service during the week, but I did not perceive their absence, on the contrary I immediately breathed a sense of protection, listening and welcome. To tell the truth, I didn't pray as usual, I limited myself to staring at the crucifix, alternating my gaze between the wooden reproduction of Christ and a small booklet containing reflections on St. Francis. I was fine. I felt at peace.
In this solitude filled with love, Don Sergio appeared among the Romanesque columns and joined me. First we chatted about my work and then I felt the desire to confess and so I did. I do not want to tell what we said to each other but it is evident that my words emphasized the feelings of guilt, uncertainty, and fears that afflict me, and it is equally clear that I could not help asking him what he thought of the question. that had brought me there that morning. As a good theologian, Don Sergio used all his knowledge to try to help me, but it was the practicality with which he approached the subject that struck me. The pastor has stressed several times that none of us can feel the responsibility to save the world, and this is necessary to be clear if we do not want to risk feeling constantly useless, but also that if we want to focus our energies so that they can become a gift for others you do not need to look for something in particular but it is enough to listen and wait for the right opportunity because sooner or later someone will knock on our door. Don Sergio concluded by underlining that only in this way could we understand what our mission really is and that we will never be able to implement it if we do not first learn to respond with a Yes. And let's be clear, listening is synonymous with feeling with the heart, not with the ears.
Back home I told my wife what the don had told me and she smiled. I have to be honest, my wife has been telling me for months that I don't have to look for anything in particular but that I just have to learn to listen better, and instead I've been looking for months without listening to her. But not only that, because to aggravate my position as a Christian apprentice in continuous training, as you well know Ernesto Olivero made the Yes Rule one of the foundations of the Arsenale and I have read and reread it but, obviously, I have to do it new. It starts from 1 is the title I gave to this column, and also to my first and only book, and I chose it mainly for two reasons: the first is because that one is all of us, no one excluded, and it is the confrontation-clash with ourselves that generates the desire to give oneself to others. The second reason is more personal and you know which one it is? Never forget that the first to make mistakes is always me.
NP april 2021