Down the rabbit hole

You can't see the hunger for love at first, you can only sense it. It becomes evident when it is too late, when without realizing it you already find yourself in the "rabbit hole". It is the image used in the story of Alice in Wonderland, effective in describing the vortex of eating disorders: in Italy three million people involved, almost 4 thousand victims, the second cause of death among young people. Francesca Fialdini has dedicated a program Hunger of Love and a book In the rabbit hole to the theme.

Many stories, but the same discomfort...
Each person tells a particular aspect. I think of Marta, a girl from a good family, cultured, intelligent, who fell into the trap. Or of Anna who is 42 years old and suffers from bulimia. She didn't realize she was weighing 120 kg and with the voracious acquisition of food she wanted to compensate for her fragility. When a person becomes obese it is as if they put up a barrier towards other people, especially towards those who can cause us pain. Anna had to shed light on her past. Since she was a girl she has had to carry enormous burdens in managing her brothers. Behind all these stories there are deep wounds that have left indelible marks.

What are the causes?
They are different. Personal aspects certainly come into play, because not all of us react in the same wayto the events we experience. There is also a genetic component, but context also matters. With a paradox: in phases of economic growth there is an increase in disorders especially in young people from families from good society. There are studies on the reality of young people who risk being neglected by very busy parents. Then there are extreme stories. Lucia's comes to mind.

What happened to her?
She was abused by her stepfather when she was 8 years old: in her unconscious she thought that since her stepfather did the same things with her that he did with her mother, it meant that he loved her. At ten years old she understands that perhaps it isn't like that, but the teacher who discovers the truth tells her not to say anything so as not to break up the family. After a few years, Lucia talks to her mother about her, but she doesn't believe her. It is an enormous pain: Lucia begins to feel ill and when her mother finally believes her and decides to report it, she collapses and begins to deny her body and her femininity because she felt guilty and responsible for the end of her family's balance. . She was very harsh, Lucia attempted suicide several times, but she is out of it now.

Eating disorders don't just affect girls...
Absolutely not. There are more and more cases among teenagers and even children. I think of Marco, 23 years old, from a normal, wealthy family. For him the problems begin at school: the boys denigrate him, the girls accept him as long as he accepts provocations and violence. He understands that he is homosexual, considering himself wrong and inadequate. He takes refuge in a virtual world and begins chatting with strangers who wanted to know everything about him. They asked him his weight, his size and pushed him to lose weight. This is how he got into the problem.

Whose responsibility is it?
I believe that we adults need to look inside ourselves because we demonize young people too much, we don't understand them and we want them in our image. We should really put them at the center of everything, of politics, of education, of society. We complain about the demographic crisis, but how can you have children in a context that does not offer dreams and desire. We risk that the only way to make ourselves heard is violence against ourselves and others. Eating disorders have to do with this. When we talk about society's responsibility we must realize that we are not talking about anonymous and foreign realities, we are talking about us.

What should we do?
It is also up to us to be aware of those around us: because being too thin or too fat is easily recognisable. Thinness as an opportunity to disappear or obesity as an opportunity to hide. Our responsibility is real. I think of a true story. When she left the hospital, Giada was addressed by her mother because she had gained too many kilos more than her. But she had gone to hospital precisely to recover from anorexia! It's incredible! Our words are heavy, they are never light if they hide disapproval. When we invest others with our desires and fixations we risk enslaving them and above all suffocating them.

Is it also the result of over-performing models? It's not easy to deal with the judgment of others...
Of course, we adults have failed in love and we don't want to question ourselves about this. If in this time young people get sicker more it is because our society wants to obtain the maximum result with the minimum effort. They need us to be more competitive and successful. And on social media this model works, it makes us believe that image is everything. Our children risk dissociation: their cognitive processes are characterized by an inability to distinguish the real and the virtual. Perhaps their satisfaction will be in living in the virtual world. But this is not the way. Our humanity comes from the recognition of our fragility. Only from our wounds can a little light enter.

We need to go beyond the image, therefore…
Unfortunately, the image remains decisive because through the image we can be manipulated. We must recognize this. The kids who are building their identity are defenseless subjects in the face of advertisements that focus everything on physical efficiency. Why don't we help our children to accept themselves as they are, to love themselves? The risk is falling down the rabbit hole.

In Hunger for Love you brought these themes to the general public. Is this the TV you care about?
In my opinion, anyone who makes a serious television program must run the risk of dividing. A program like Fame d'amore which reveals painful situations of discomfort risks uncovering complex relational situations that they can create controversy and conflict. After all, what do we do with communication that always reassures us, that doesn't address the problems and is superficial? I believe that we need communication capable of facing reality and indicating ways out. We must offer a careful and responsible look.

Also because there is hope...
Of course, I always say not to believe in prophets of doom. You can get out of these situations. Mental pain can be faced even when there is apparently no solution. It is not true that one is a slave to eating disorders forever. However, we must turn on the light of desire to return to living, to dreaming, to knowing. Life can resume its course. Alberto reminds me of this because he suffered from eating disorders, he recovered and today he is a doctor who helps many boys and girls.


Matteo Spicuglia
NPFOCUS
NP February 2024