Going love

For years I have tried with all my heart to love myself. The problem is that I am not loved back, and now I am a little tired of trying. Too much energy spent. So I serenely hate myself but I do it with style, irony, without raging and without ever taking myself too seriously, rather on the Allegro, to use a term that is musically familiar to me.

Music is one of those expressions that (even if you are totally detached from it) help you express a feeling, a state of mind, an upset. You don't have to be a composer; you can very well use what has already been written (often much better than you could) to express an emotion, identify it, focus on it, even give it a name. Love is to music like sounds and noises are to our ears, even if we are deaf. In fact, there are many people who are able to enjoy it even if they are deaf or hard of hearing. Beethoven (whom I will perhaps tell you about later) is none other than the most famous example.

But if we are among the lucky ones who can listen, we will know with certainty that some sound combinations (timbres, rhythm, melody, harmony, lyrics...) go straight to the heart almost without passing through the brain, and even if not we love each other, those sensations will make us feel loved, pampered. A few days ago I happened to write a song dedicated to a very special friend from the Arsenal of Peace. Ernesto (Olivero – ed) gave me a text asking me to set it to music to surprise him.

I don't know if you know that Ernesto and I (as I have already written) are actually Olivero-Tabasso snc – an unknown company, although after years of activity, perhaps, we are becoming spc – a little-known company, at least I have no illusions about it. The lyrics of this song (which we will publish one day, after the private performance last August 2nd in the presence of the President of the Republic Sergio Mattarella) goes like this: "At the end of life we will be judged on love". Good thing we won't be judged on music; I'd probably be a goner.

Love (even if I don't show it to myself) certainly gives me a better chance (it could always be merciful). But this peremptory, almost lapidary sentence already allows us to form a very vague idea of the outcome of the judgement. If you love, perhaps you will be judged kindly, and regarding the sentence, I am inclined to believe that the love that we do not express will be the only pain that will follow us, perhaps the only one, the greatest. So if you don't know how to love yourself, at least love others, and maybe learn to respect yourself which is already a great thing (respect is the basis of a loving relationship), so maybe (I speak for myself, of course) one day I will also learn to love me, without prejudice to the fact that I don't have much sympathy for those who love me more than necessary.

Then music always helps my aching heart, opening my eyes and making me notice that there are many people who show me affection, some even quite smart. And if a person I respect also loves me... well, maybe it's because I'm not exactly out of tune to throw away. And if I don't reciprocate it doesn't matter, for the moment I can accept a dignified and mocking indifference.


Mauro Tabasso
NP August / September 2023