I say no to fear

Let me introduce myself briefly because then I would like to tell you something that disturbs me, and perhaps I am not the only one, but that I would like to share with you. I am Matteo, I am 41 years old, I have been single for a while, I have a disease that makes me very disabled and dependent on someone's help and I don't think it can be said that I am a type who gives up.


I work, but no one would be surprised if I didn't. Partly because in my physical condition, no one would expect me to do anything and then because, even though I don't lead a life drowned in luxury, I am lucky enough to be able to survive without a constant economic contribution that only a job or a welfare state could guarantee me. Having made these few brief considerations to better define the contours of my condition, I want to tell you that in recent times, those marked by the coronavirus, I have been watching the news of the TG with some attention to learn about the progress of the pandemic in Italy. I would like to clarify that I have never had a perverse curiosity for crime news, for example. Now anyone who is reading me is authorized to think that I am an unconscious madman, but whenever there is a resurgence in the numbers of the epidemic in Italy, deep down I have a surge of joy. In the same way, every time the numbers contract, a guilty sadness is unleashed within me. This way of thinking of mine can be defined, without fear of being contradicted, ethically and deeply wrong. Siachiaro, I am sincerely very sorry for all the people who have suffered from this virus, but I am sincere in saying what I think. When everyone seems to hate, more or less evidently, the forced lockdown, I seem to be hoping for it to return. I know it is a limitation of my freedom to go out and go out into the world, but at the same time this situation offers me someone / something on a silver platter to blame for locking myself up in the house and not even having to put myself out there!

Now some of you might object, rightly, saying that living in Italy no one will ever allow me to die of hunger and therefore I shouldn't have to go out to earn my "loaf". Of course, but I can tell you that if the absence of my illness required me to go out, I would instinctively like to make myself invisible to the world in order to escape within the walls of the house anyway and hide. Initially it took me a moment to get used to it, but now that I have reached a form of equilibrium I could easily stop putting my nose out. It is a bit like when I happened to be locked up in a hospital, a place where no one in their right mind will ever admit to being fine. And yet, when they tell you the date of discharge, a certain anxiety assails you. At least for me it has always been like this ... So much so that once it is released everything seems enormous and impossible to achieve. So, I said that staying at home would be the ideal situation not to risk and blame someone or fear and not feel so even guilty. Thinking about it, however, this is a way to avoid taking on one's responsibilities.

I am not a denier and if necessary I want to respect the indications of the authorities, the right rules for a respectful coexistence among everyone. But mine is a broader reflection. The uncertainty that has arisen and that would push me to want the security of a new lockdown, is nothing more than a metaphor for my illness. I learned that I don't want to give up on her, I've never done it and I don't want to start now. So if they offer me a solution that might seem like violence, if they give me a medicin that at first glance doesn't seem to look good or taste good, for my own sake I'll cover my eyes, plug my nose, do an initial violence and I will swallow. But if they tell me that in my physical condition I could stay calm and not warm up so much, that I should rest and let it be, then I answer: but why not dance to the end this one song that I have won by lot ?! Having acknowledged this situation, I have decided that when it is possible I will immediately start looking for reasons to leave the house. Maybe not right away, but soon enough. Because I haven't decided yet whether it's better to die from covid or never really start living! Thus giving it to fear!


Matteo Gamerro
NP november 2020